NEGOTIATING FOR MORE
We were devastated. A venture we had poured all our savings into had collapsed, taking not only our hopes but also our rent money with it. At the same time, we received an invitation to travel for ministry. We faced a difficult decision: stay and cover our rent or answer the call to serve, trusting that God would provide.
Ministry often requires personal sacrifice, and many times, we have to reach into our own pockets to cover expenses. Despite our financial struggles, we chose to go. Along the journey, we prayed fervently, asking God for just enough to cover our rent. Nothing more.
By the end of that week, our prayers were answered—but only with exactly what we had asked for: the rent money. I couldn’t help but wonder out loud, “Why didn’t we ask for more?” It was then I truly understood how serious God is when He says, ‘Ask, and you shall receive.’
That experience changed how I approached prayer and life itself. I began to ask for more. The next test came when I enrolled in my second master’s program. The timing couldn’t have been worse—the university had just tripled the fees, and I had no idea where I would get the money. I decided to trust God again, but this time, I wasn’t asking for a little. I prayed for a full scholarship, remembering that He had provided for my first master’s program, even if only partially.
I didn’t believe I was brilliant enough to earn a scholarship on my own merit, nor did I have any influential contacts to put in a good word for me. All I could do was ask—and keep asking. I prayed, not just for any scholarship, but for a full one, and God answered. Year after year, my scholarship was renewed.
Through these experiences, I learned a crucial lesson: sometimes we suffer lack simply because we don’t ask for more. Whether in our spiritual lives, careers, or relationships, we often settle for less because we’re too afraid to ask. We convince ourselves that our needs are too much or that asking will lead to rejection. But as I discovered, we don’t have because we don’t ask. And when we do ask, sometimes we aim too low.
Negotiation isn’t just a business skill—it’s a life skill, even in relationships. I once heard the story of a woman who was frustrated with her husband. She felt overwhelmed caring for their baby and keeping up with house chores while he seemed disengaged. As her resentment grew, a friend asked, “Have you ever asked him to help?” The woman responded sharply, “Why should I have to ask? He should know he’s a father and that he needs to help.”
How often do we find ourselves in that same situation? Frustrated, but too afraid or too proud to ask for more? Whether it’s asking a partner to share the load, applying for a job we think we’re underqualified for, or negotiating a raise at work, we hold ourselves back because we assume others should already know our needs. We assume that our spouse should intuitively know what we want. We assume that our boss recognizes our hard work and will automatically reward us. But assumptions don’t lead to results—asking does.
The truth is, life doesn’t always hand us what we deserve; it gives us what we’re brave enough to ask for. Sometimes, we don’t negotiate for more because we’ve convinced ourselves that we aren’t worthy of it. Imposter syndrome creeps in, and we begin to sell ourselves short. But if we don’t advocate for ourselves, who will?
Don’t let fear or assumptions stop you from receiving what you deserve. Whether in our careers, relationships or spiritual life the power to receive more lies simply in asking for it. Always remember this: you have not because you ask not. And when you do ask, don’t be afraid to ask for more.
Do not let fear, assumptions and self-doubt rob you the blessings and opportunities you deserve.
HONESTY IN NEGOTIATION
There was a man who believed that to win the woman of his dreams, he had to appear wealthier than he was. His borrowed wardrobe sparkled, and each time they met, he pulled up in a car that wasn’t his. From the outside, he seemed like the perfect catch—a man of wealth and status. She was swept off her feet by his charm, believing that the luxury he flaunted was real. She did not question if the perceived value was the actual value. She did not question the validity of the product. The fact that the packaging appeared good did not mean that the product was good. She fell right into the trap and got married to the man.
But behind the façade, he was drowning in debt. The truth eventually surfaced, and when she discovered the man she had married was nothing like the person he pretended to be, she left him. His most treasured prize was gone, all because he couldn’t be honest about his true identity.
Just like this man, others throughout history have tried to negotiate upward through deception, only to face disastrous consequences. One such story can be found in the story of the Gibeonites in the Bible in Joshua chapter 9. The Gibeonites, fearing the might of the Israelites, resorted to deception. They dressed in worn-out clothes, carried mouldy bread, and pretended to be ambassadors from a distant land. They sought a covenant with the Israelites under false pretences, and it worked—at first.
The Israelites, failing to seek God’s counsel, made a vow to protect them. But once the truth was uncovered, the Gibeonites didn’t achieve greatness; instead, they were reduced to servants, cutting wood and carrying water for the Israelites. Their deception brought them humiliation, not the success they had hoped for.
Some have hoped to negotiate upwards through deception. They cheat in examinations, forge academic qualifications, participate in fraud. While these may give temporary success, the end of it is clear. Deception always spells doom. A Tanzanian proverb wisely says, “the path of a liar is very short.”
Proverbs 12:22 reminds us “Lying lips are an abomination to the Lord, but they that deal truly are His delight.” Even the Lord delights in honesty. When you are honest about the value of your product and price it appropriately for the value it offers, it will give you trust and credibility. Do not sell yourself short by negotiating dishonestly.
Do not enter a marriage with dishonesty. And when offered an invitation into a relationship investigate that what is being presented is the actual value of the product. Do not offer your life where there is no value.
Dishonesty does not bring return customers. It does not encourage people to negotiate with you ever again. It ruins reputation.
This is why keeping your word is essential. In the story of the Gibeonites, despite knowing they had been deceived, the Israelites honoured their promise to defend them. They knew that breaking their word would harm their own integrity. Trust is the foundation of negotiation. Without it, no one will ever want to deal with you again.
God Himself is a model of trustworthiness. Throughout history, He has kept His word, which is why we can trust Him for the future. As Ecclesiastes 5:4-7 warns, “When you make a vow to God, do not delay in fulfilling it… It is better not to make a vow than to make one and not fulfill it.”
In the end, the greatest currency in any negotiation isn’t words—it’s results. Dave Ulrich, a business author states: “Future leaders will be less concerned with saying what they will deliver and more concerned with delivering what they have said they would.” A patient once doubted whether the treatment I prescribed would work. I told her, “Follow the plan, and if the results don’t speak for themselves in four months, you owe me nothing.” Four months later, her test results showed significant improvement, and she was so overjoyed that she offered to pay more than I had initially charged. The results spoke louder than any promise I could have made.
When we lie to gain something—whether it’s love, success, or respect—we risk losing far more than we bargained for. Whether in business, relationships, or even politics, honesty isn’t just a virtue—it’s the foundation of lasting success. In the end, it’s not about saying the right thing; it’s about delivering what you promise.
The reason we trust in God is because He has kept his word all throughout history. We believe that He shall not change looking forward because as we look back, He has kept His word.
Mr. President, Kenyans want to know, ‘when will you stop lying?’” This bold question, posed by a young Gen Z citizen to the Kenyan president, echoed the frustration of a nation. The country had been shaken by widespread protests, driven by a generation that had grown tired of broken promises. They no longer trusted the president’s words or policies, especially the controversial finance bill that sparked outrage across the nation. No matter how much the president tried to justify the bill, the people refused to listen. His repeated dishonesty had eroded public confidence, leaving him without the power to negotiate effectively with the citizens.
In stark contrast, President Abraham Lincoln earned the nickname “Honest Abe” for his unwavering commitment to integrity. He once wrote, “Resolve to be honest at all events; and if in your own judgment you cannot be an honest lawyer, resolve to be honest without being a lawyer.” While many have joked that “lawyers are liars,” Lincoln chose to defy that stereotype. Honesty was not just a value he held—it defined him. In one well-known instance, Lincoln walked nearly 10 kilometres (6 miles) to return 3 cents to a client after realizing he had miscalculated the change. His reputation for truthfulness became central to his legacy, in stark contrast to leaders who lose trust through dishonesty.
Negotiate don’t manipulate
Martha and Mary, two hospitable sisters, hosted Jesus one day in their home. While Martha busied herself in the kitchen, preparing a meal, Mary chose to sit at Jesus’ feet and listen to Him. As the food simmered and its aroma filled the room, Martha’s frustration also simmered. How could Mary leave her to do all the work? Shouldn’t she be helping? Martha finally voiced her complaint to Jesus, expecting Him to reprimand her sister. But instead, Jesus gently told Martha that Mary had chosen the better part by spending time with Him.
Martha’s complaint reveals a common form of manipulation—using guilt to control someone’s behaviour. Martha wanted to force her sister into helping by making her feel guilty for not doing so. Instead of considering what Mary might have wanted or needed, Martha’s only concern was getting her own way. This approach exemplifies manipulation, which disregards the other person’s feelings or desires in favour of controlling their actions.
Manipulation involves imposing your will on others, often using guilt, pressure, or emotional threats to force compliance. It creates a dynamic where the manipulated person feels they have no choice but to comply, or else face negative consequences. In contrast, negotiation is a mutual process where both parties communicate their needs and find a solution that respects each person’s desires.
For instance, in some relationships, one partner may withhold affection or intimacy as a way of coercing the other into meeting their demands. This kind of manipulation—where one partner “punishes” the other for not complying—does not foster a healthy or respectful relationship. As the saying goes, “A man convinced against his will is of the same opinion still.” Even if someone complies out of manipulation, their true feelings and opinions remain unchanged.
Manipulation also often involves creating a sense of urgency or pressure to force quick decisions. Take, for example, the story of a young couple searching for a house in Nairobi. After being shown pictures of a beautiful home in a desirable neighbourhood with an attractive rent price, they were pressured by the seller to make an immediate payment. The seller warned them that others were interested and the house would be given to someone else if they did not act fast. Feeling the pressure, the couple rushed to pay the deposit—only to realize later they had been scammed. The seller disappeared, taking their money with him.
This story illustrates how manipulation exploits fear and urgency, pushing people into making decisions without considering their options. Negotiation, on the other hand, allows for time, clarity, and thoughtful decision-making.
In some cases, manipulation takes the form of emotional threats. For instance, a woman or a man may find herself in a relationship where his/her partner threatens self-harm if she/he leaves. The emotional burden placed on her is enormous, as she fears being blamed for the other person’s actions. But this too is a form of manipulation, where the person uses threats to hold the other emotionally hostage.
If you were in such a situation, what would you do? While it’s a complex dilemma, it’s crucial to recognize that staying in a relationship out of fear or manipulation does not benefit either party. Both people in the relationship deserve honesty and freedom, not control through emotional blackmail.
How to Deal with manipulation
Dealing with a manipulator can be challenging, but caving to their demands doesn’t lead to healthy outcomes. The key is to approach the situation with a negotiation mindset. Negotiation means acknowledging the other person’s needs while also clearly communicating your own. It’s about finding a middle ground where both parties feel respected and heard.
One important aspect of negotiation is to avoid making false promises. For example, staying in a relationship with someone you don’t love just because they manipulated you into it will only lead to pain later. Likewise, promising to pay for something you can’t afford in order to please someone will harm your reputation and creditworthiness. Negotiation requires honesty—about what you want, what you can offer, and what you’re willing to give up.
Persuasion vs. Manipulation
It’s worth noting that persuasion, while sometimes confused with manipulation, is a different process. Persuasion involves influencing someone’s beliefs or behaviour through reason and explanation, without pressure or coercion. It is a gradual process that allows the other person the freedom to make up their mind, rather than forcing them into a decision.
However, like any tool, persuasion can be used ethically or unethically. When persuasion respects the other person’s autonomy and allows them to make an informed choice, it can be a positive force. But when it is used to manipulate someone into a decision they don’t agree with, it crosses into manipulation. It’s similar to the way a knife can be used either to prepare a meal or to cause harm—it all depends on how it’s wielded.
Negotiation is not about getting your way at any cost; it’s about finding a solution that works for both parties. “Try to do what is good for others, not just what is good for yourselves, To negotiate successfully, you must be willing to make concessions. Ask yourself, “What am I willing to give up to achieve what I want?” Remember, negotiation is a process of compromise, while manipulation seeks to control.
In every situation, strive to negotiate rather than manipulate. Negotiation fosters respect, collaboration, and lasting agreements—qualities that manipulation can never achieve.
Language of Negotiation
When my husband and I went shopping for clothes, I dressed up, thinking it was important to reflect my status as both a doctor and an engineer’s wife. However, my husband was quick to point out that I didn’t need to look so formal for where we were going. When we arrived, I answered a call in English, but he quietly asked me to speak in Swahili or Sheng. He explained that if I spoke English, it might hurt our chances in negotiating a good price. Sure enough, by blending in with the locals through our language and appearance, he was able to buy a suit for nearly half the original price.
This experience taught me a valuable lesson: negotiation is about more than just words. It’s about understanding the cultural context, how you present yourself, and how you communicate. If you appear wealthy or out of place, you may be charged more. On certain streets, speaking English can signal that you’re a tourist, and as a result, vendors may quote you higher prices.
In some situations, looking too wealthy can backfire. Vendors might see your appearance as an opportunity to inflate prices, assuming you can afford it. Dressing down in certain settings can be a tactic to avoid this kind of price inflation. Just as my husband advised me to dress more casually for our shopping trip, sometimes blending in can help you negotiate better deals.
Language plays a crucial role in negotiation. When we spoke in Swahili or Sheng, the vendors saw us as locals and treated us differently than they would have if we spoke in English. Speaking the local language—or at least trying to—helps build rapport and trust. It shows that you’re not an outsider, which can lead to better offers and a more comfortable negotiation process.
Dealing with the Right People
It’s also important to know where to negotiate. On some streets, haggling is expected, while in others, like high-end shops or brand outlets, prices may be fixed. I was once surprised to find that a clearance store for a major shoe brand sold the same shoes for half the price of what I had paid elsewhere. Knowing where to shop and who to negotiate with can make all the difference.
Could it be that sometimes we don’t get the best deals because we’re negotiating in the wrong places, with the wrong people, or speaking the wrong language? It’s crucial to understand the cultural and situational factors that affect how negotiations play out.
Negotiation is both an art and a science. It’s not just about what you say but how you present yourself and understand the environment around you. Whether it’s through the clothes you wear or the language you speak, adapting to your context can have a significant impact on the outcomes of your negotiations.
Tell Me What Your Wages Shall Be:
In Genesis 29:15, Laban asks Jacob, “Tell me what your wages shall be.” Jacob, who had travelled to his uncle’s home from a distant country, needed work. Given that Laban was his uncle, one might think Jacob wouldn’t ask for wages, assuming that food, shelter, and clothing were enough. Perhaps Jacob felt uncomfortable charging a relative for his labour. But every service has a value, and even family members expect to know the cost of what they are receiving.
When we think about modern interviews, the question of wages is one of the most challenging to answer. Many people hesitate to state their salary expectations, either out of shyness or uncertainty about what they deserve. Let’s examine Jacob’s answer to Laban and explore the lessons we can learn about asking for fair compensation.
Jacob’s Mistake: Asking for the Wrong Wages
In his initial response, Jacob didn’t ask for wages in the form of money or goods. Instead, he offered to work for seven years in exchange for Laban’s daughter, Rachel. While there was nothing inherently wrong with this request, it lacked practical foresight. Jacob failed to consider cultural factors—such as the custom that the older daughter, Leah, must be married first. His wage request, though sincere, was flawed because it wasn’t fully informed by the situation at hand.
In modern terms, Jacob’s mistake was asking for compensation that didn’t align with reality. He was unaware of the conditions that could jeopardize his reward. Similarly, when negotiating wages today, it’s important to ensure that what you’re asking for is reasonable, informed by industry standards, and aligned with company expectations.
Learning from Experience: Asking for What Can Be Exchanged
Later in Genesis, Jacob corrected his mistake by asking for wages in the form of livestock. This time, he asked for something tangible—flocks that could reproduce and grow, providing him with long-term wealth. Even when Laban tried to deceive him again, Jacob’s skill in shepherding allowed him to outsmart his uncle and ensure he received fair compensation. The lesson here is clear: ask for wages that not only meet your immediate needs but also offer future opportunities for growth.
In today’s terms, this means asking for a salary that reflects your skills and allows you to build long-term financial security. Whether through performance bonuses, stock options, or professional development opportunities, think about how your compensation can help you grow over time.
How to Answer the Salary Question in an Interview
When asked, “What are your salary expectations?” it’s crucial to be prepared. Here are a few tips:
- Do Your Research: Understand the market rate for someone with your experience and skills. Use salary comparison tools like Glassdoor or Payscale to gauge a fair range.
- Provide a Range: Instead of giving a single number, offer a salary range that reflects your research. This shows flexibility while giving the employer a sense of your expectations.
- Consider Company Culture: Some industries or companies have unique compensation structures. It’s important to know if your salary request aligns with the company’s budget and practices.
- Be Honest and Realistic: Don’t overestimate your worth, but also don’t undervalue yourself. A reasonable request shows confidence and a clear understanding of your value.
Jacob’s story teaches us valuable lessons about compensation. Initially, he asked for wages that didn’t align with the realities of his situation, leading to disappointment. But through experience, he learned to ask for wages that would allow him to thrive in the long term.
When it comes to negotiating your own salary, remember: preparation is key. Understand the market, ask for what you’re worth, and always think ahead. The question “Tell me what your wages shall be” is an opportunity to define the value of your skills—so make sure you ask wisely.
Negotiating in Marriage
In marriage, the concept of “oneness” is often misunderstood. While couples are united in their partnership, this doesn’t mean they automatically share the same interests or desires. In fact, the differences between spouses can lead to disagreements, and how these disagreements are handled can either strengthen the marriage or cause division. Many couples fall into patterns of conflict or manipulation instead of engaging in healthy negotiation. Emotional entanglement can make these negotiations even more difficult, as high emotions often cloud judgment.
Emotional Flooding and Its Impact
Dr. John Gottman, a well-known researcher on marriage and relationships, explains that one of the reasons couples struggle to resolve conflicts is emotional flooding. Emotional flooding occurs when someone becomes overwhelmed by emotions during a conflict, leading to physical symptoms like an increased heart rate, shortness of breath, and a narrowing of focus. When this happens, the ability to think clearly and make rational decisions becomes compromised.
This is why remaining calm during conflict is crucial—not just externally, but also internally. Some people are good at maintaining a calm outward appearance while internally boiling with anger. However, if the emotional flooding isn’t addressed, decisions made during these moments are often not truly resolved.
A helpful technique when experiencing emotional flooding is to let your partner know what’s happening and take a break from the conversation. Stepping away allows you to calm down and return to the discussion with a clearer mind. It’s essential to pause conflicts before they escalate and to agree to resume discussions when both partners feel emotionally ready.
Power Dynamics in Negotiation
Another significant barrier to negotiation in marriage is power imbalances. Often, the partner with more financial control may feel entitled to make the majority of decisions. This can lead to a lack of equity in negotiations, with one partner feeling powerless or voiceless.
For example, one husband, as a show of dominance, slept in the middle of the bed to signal to his wife that everything in the house belonged to him since she didn’t contribute financially. The wife felt defeated and unable to voice her opinions, creating a deep sense of resentment and helplessness.
This dynamic is not uncommon. In many cases, power imbalances are tied to finances. In some hospital settings, women facing medical decisions—like the need for a C-section—are unable to make decisions about their own health because their husbands control the finances. Similarly, wives of critically ill husbands may be left unable to determine the best medical care for their spouse due to a lack of access to family funds.
Fostering Equal Power in Negotiation
Effective negotiation requires both partners to feel empowered to voice their needs and preferences. This kind of equality doesn’t just happen—it requires active effort. Couples should work to empower each other financially, socially, mentally, and spiritually. Financial empowerment could mean working together on a budget, opening joint accounts, or ensuring both partners have a say in large purchases. Social and mental empowerment may involve encouraging each other’s personal growth through education, hobbies, or career advancements.
When both partners feel equally empowered, they can approach negotiations from a place of mutual respect. Each person can share their preferences and opinions without fear of being dismissed or overruled. For example, instead of one partner making all the financial decisions, both can discuss family expenses and priorities together. This shared responsibility fosters a sense of partnership and prevents one person from feeling overburdened or undervalued.
Practical Tips for Negotiating as a Couple:
- Manage Emotions: Be aware of emotional flooding. When emotions run high, take a break and return to the conversation when both parties are calm.
- Create Financial Equity: Work together to ensure that both partners have access to family finances and decision-making power. Share responsibility for budgeting, saving, and spending.
- Respect Power Balance: Recognize the areas where power imbalances may exist—whether financial, emotional, or social—and make efforts to level the playing field.
- Communicate Clearly: Make sure that both partners have a chance to voice their concerns and desires without fear of dismissal. Each person’s input is valuable.
- Stay Solution-Oriented: Focus on finding solutions that work for both partners, rather than trying to “win” the negotiation. Compromise where necessary, but ensure that the outcomes meet the core needs of both people.
Negotiating as a couple requires patience, empathy, and intentionality. While emotions and power dynamics can complicate the process, understanding and addressing these challenges can lead to more productive conversations and a stronger partnership. By fostering equity and clear communication, couples can navigate conflicts with respect and build a foundation of mutual understanding and shared decision-making.
