Why women disrespect their husbands

King David, in a moment of profound spiritual joy and national celebration, brings the Ark of the Covenant to Jerusalem. He is so overcome with emotion that he dances “before the LORD with all his might,” wearing a simple linen ephod, not his full royal robes. His wife, Michal, daughter of the former king Saul, watches him from an exalted window of judgment and is disgusted She shows contempt.

When David returned home to bless his household, Michal daughter of Saul came out to meet him with criticism and contempt and said, “How the king of Israel has distinguished himself today, disrobing in the sight of the slave girls of his servants as any vulgar fellow would!” 2 Samuel 6:20

The consequences were a life of bareness, loneliness, lost relationship with the King: And Michal daughter of Saul had no children to the day of her death (2 Samuel 6:23): .

 

Part 1. Defining Disrespect: The Anatomy of Michal’s Contempt

 

What a Man Calls Contempt and Disrespect (Michal’s Attack)

Michal’s statement is not a simple complaint; it is a masterclass in contempt.

• Criticism vs. Complaint: A complaint  is a reasonable, logical, expression of feeling or  request or concern  about a specific action e.g. “David, I felt embarrassed when you danced that way
  • Criticism is a global attack on character. She attacks his very character and status: “How the king of Israel has distinguished himself…” This is a direct shot at his identity.
• Sarcasm and Mockery: Her tone is dripping with sarcasm. She doesn’t mean he “distinguished himself”; she means he disgraced himself.

2 Samuel 6:20: How glorious was the king of Israel today, uncovering himself today in the eyes of the maids of his servants, as one of the base fellows shamelessly uncovers himself!”

• Belittling and Name-Calling: She compares him to a “vulgar fellow.” This language is designed to make him feel small and ashamed. David understands the dark sarcasm is put at a flight to look for and yearn for respect from the outside world when he says. V.22 ‘And I will be even more undignified than this, and will be humble in my own sight. But as for the maidservants of whom you have spoken, by them I will be held in honor.”‘
• Hostile Humor: Her words are a biting, hostile jab disguised as a commentary on his royal dignity.

According to  Dr. Gottman, contempt is the single greatest predictor of divorce. He describes it as “poisonous to a relationship because it conveys disgust. It’s virtually impossible to resolve a problem when your partner is getting the message you’re disgusted with him or her” This is precisely what David experienced: an attack born of disgust. He pairs Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling and calls them the four horsemen of the apocalypse and once the first horseman has walked into the marriage, it is easy to have the other horsemen into the marriage. If any of the four is in your home/ marriage, know that you are in the direction of destruction.

How Do You Know a Woman is Contentious?

The Bible, particularly the book of Proverbs, describes a “contentious” or “quarrelsome” woman as one who creates a home environment of constant strife, complaint, bitterness, nagging argumentative.

• “It is better to live in a corner of the housetop than in a house shared with a contentious woman.” (Proverbs 21:9)
• “A continual dripping on a rainy day and a contentious woman are alike.” (Proverbs 27:15)

A contentious nature is marked by:

1. A Pattern of Nagging and Complaining: The issue isn’t a single disagreement but a persistent atmosphere of dissatisfaction.
2. A Spirit of Argument: A tendency to turn discussions into arguments and to seek conflict rather than peace.
3. Using Words as Weapons: Employing sarcasm, criticism, and belittling comments to wound rather than to build up. Michal intended to embarrass David, her husband in public.

How Do You Know That You Are Contemptuous?

• Do I use sarcasm or mockery when I’m upset with my partner?
• Do I attack their character (“You are so lazy/selfish/stupid”) rather than complaining about a specific action (“I was upset when you forgot to take out the trash”)?
• Do I feel and express disgust, through words, eye-rolling, or a sneer?
• Do my conversations begin with a “Harsh Startup”?

 

Part 2. The Effects of Contention and Contempt

The consequences of Michal’s contempt were immediate, emotional, and permanent.

1. It Invites Defensiveness and Escalates Conflict: David does not apologize. He immediately becomes defensive, justifying his actions by pointing to God (“It was before the LORD…”). Contempt rarely leads to resolution; it almost always leads to a fight or withdrawal.
2. It Kills Intimacy and Connection: The story’s final line is haunting. “And Michal…had no children to the day of her death.” This can be seen as both a literal and metaphorical consequence. The physical intimacy required to have children likely ceased. Their relationship became barren—devoid of joy, life, warmth, and a future. Contempt creates a wall of ice between partners.
3. It Destroys Shared Meaning: For David, bringing the Ark was a peak spiritual and communal experience. It was a core part of their shared life and kingdom. Healthy marriages are built on a culture of rituals, goals, and symbols, and shared meaning. Michal, by despising David’s participation in this ultimate temple ritual, showed that she never regarded the temple services in the same way David did. She was no longer part of his “we-ness.” She stood separate, watching from a window, judging rather than sharing the experience.

A careful caution for the young people here to watch out for the values of their would be spouse, as well as their background. Some contemptuous acts are as a result of background as we will see.

SOURCES OF CONTEMPT: How contempt builds in a home

1. A History of Unmet Needs and Chronic Disappointment

The Hurt: A person’s core needs are consistently dismissed or ignored, leading to the death of hope and its replacement with contempt.

This is often a slow burn. A person repeatedly expresses a core emotional need—for connection, support, attention, help, or understanding—and that need is consistently ignored, dismissed, or minimized by the other person. Over time, the hope for change erodes and is replaced by frustration, then resignation, and finally, a deep-seated belief that the other person is fundamentally selfish or incompetent. Contempt becomes the outward expression of this hopeless conclusion.

Michal’s example: Michal’s primary unmet need was likely for her initial, genuine love and loyalty to be valued and reciprocated. In 1 Samuel 18, the Bible states that “Michal, Saul’s daughter, loved David.” She proved this by risking her life to save him from her own father, defying the king to protect her husband. This was a profound act of loyalty. However, after David fled, this emotional investment was never returned. He was gone for years, took other wives (Abigail, Ahinoam), and when David finally demanded her return, it was not a genuine family and  romantic reunion but a cold, political calculation to solidify his claim to Saul’s throne. Her need to be cherished as the loyal wife who saved him was chronically unmet. Instead, she was treated as a political asset. Her contempt in 2 Samuel 6 can be seen as the bitter fruit of a love that was offered but, in her eyes, it was unrequited and  ultimately discarded in favor of power and other women.

 

The Background of Hurt: When we feel an underlying pain because you are made to feel invisible and emotionally abandoned. It’s the ache of realizing that the person who is supposed to be your partner or protector does not see or value your needs. This sense of being consistently let down by the one person you should be able to count on festers into a profound sense of disrespect for their character.

• Spouses: A wife repeatedly asks her husband to be more present with the family and less focused on his phone during dinner. He dismisses it as nagging. After years of this, her simple requests turn to contemptuous sarcasm: “Oh, sorry, are we interrupting something important? Don’t let your family get in the way of your scrolling.” She no longer sees him as a partner, but as a selfish addict to his screen.
• Children: A child grows feeling emotionally abandoned, in constant fear because their parents are busy. The child gets to teenage and shows the parent an attitude of “Why do you suddenly care?” This reflects the deep hurt of having been made to feel unimportant for years.

2. A Feeling of Powerlessness and Perceived Injustice

The Hurt: When a person feels controlled, invalidated, and stripped of all dignity, contempt becomes their only weapon of protest. The pain comes from being invalidated, patronized, and controlled. It’s the sting of feeling like a subordinate rather than an equal. When your voice and perspective are consistently overridden, you feel a deep sense of injustice, which then turns into contempt for the “dictator.”

Michal’s example: Michal’s life was a case study in powerlessness. She was a princess who was treated like a pawn. First, her father, King Saul, used her as bait in a plot to have David killed by the Philistines. When that failed and David fled, Saul gave her to another man, Palti, without her consent. Years later, David ripped her away from her weeping second husband as a political power move. She was passed between powerful men—her father, her husband, and her king—with no say in her own destiny. Watching from the window, she saw David, the man who held absolute power over her life, dancing. Her sarcastic insult was the only form of power she had left: the power to wound with her words. It was an act of rebellion against a lifetime of being treated as an object.

Background: When a person feels controlled, unheard, or that they have no influence in major decisions, contempt can become a tool of rebellion. They may not have the power to change a decision, but they can use sarcasm, mockery, and eye-rolling to communicate their disgust with the process and the person in charge. Contempt is the weapon of the disenfranchised in a relationship; it’s a way to emotionally level the playing field when you feel you have no other power.

• Spouses: A husband makes a major financial decision, like buying an expensive car, without truly consulting his wife. She feels her opinion is worthless. She cannot undo the purchase, but she can express her contempt for his authority: “Enjoy your new toy. I hope it makes you feel like the big, powerful man you think you are.”
• Child to Parent Example: A teenager feels their parent’s rules are absolute and arbitrary, with no room for discussion (“Because I said so!”). Unable to change the rules, the teen resorts to contempt to protest their lack of democracy. When told they have a curfew, they might sneer.

3. A Defense Against Vulnerability and Fear of Rejection

The Hurt: Contempt is used as an emotional shield to mask deep feelings of insecurity, inadequacy, and the fear of being rejected. By projecting superiority, a person protects their fragile ego. Contempt can be used as a shield against emotional pain. It’s built on a foundation of superiority; by looking down on someone else, you elevate yourself and protect your own fragile ego. Contempt is a preemptive strike against anticipated rejection.

Michal’s example: As the daughter of the fallen King Saul, Michal was in an incredibly vulnerable position. She was the last remnant of a failed dynasty, living in the court of her father’s usurper. She had been replaced in David’s bed and affections by multiple other wives. She was, in effect, a living left over. When she saw David, the king, disrobing and celebrating with the “slave girls,” it would have triggered a profound sense of her own demotion and rejection. Her insult is a desperate attempt to reclaim status by asserting her superior royal standards above the common maids: “How the king of Israel has distinguished himself…” She attacks him based on class and dignity because it’s the one area where she feels she can claim superiority. It’s a defensive strike from a woman who likely felt deeply insecure and cast aside.

The Background: The pain is rooted in deep-seated insecurity, low self-worth, or a paralyzing fear of not being good enough. The contempt is directed outward to mask the wound that is felt internally.

• Spouses: A wife is deeply insecure about her post-baby body and fears her husband is no longer attracted to her. When he initiates intimacy, her fear of rejection causes her to strike first with contempt: “Oh, now you’re interested? A little late for that, don’t you think?” This pushes him away so that he never has a chance to reject her.

 

4. Learned Behavior from Family of Origin

The Hurt: A person replicates the values and behaviour, the  dysfunctional communication patterns they witnessed in childhood. Contempt, sarcasm, and manipulation are “normal” because it’s the language they were taught. People often replicate the emotional and communication patterns they witnessed or experienced in childhood. If a home was filled with sarcasm, belittling “jokes,” and passive aggression, these behaviors become a “normal” way of interacting. The person may not even recognize their words as contemptuous, but rather as a standard way to “banter” or handle conflict.

Michal’s Example: Michal grew up in the court of King Saul, a household defined by disdain for relirious things, paranoia, rage, and emotional instability. Saul was a man who, in fits of jealousy, threw spears at both David and his own son, Jonathan. He communicated through threats, manipulation, and public displays of anger. There was no model for healthy conflict resolution in Michal’s formative years. Her way of confronting David—with a sharp, cutting, public insult designed to shame him—mirrors the dysfunctional and volatile emotional atmosphere of her father’s court. She was likely speaking the only language she knew for expressing deep disappointment and anger.

The Background: This is a generational wound. The original hurt stems from their own childhood—either by being the target of a contemptuous parent or by witnessing one parent constantly belittle the other. They are carrying forward a painful legacy, often unconsciously, because it’s the only relationship model they know.

• Spouses: A wife grew up with a father who constantly made cutting jokes about her mother’s intelligence or competence. She learned that this is how spouses communicate frustration. When her own husband makes a mistake, she defaults to a similar sarcastic jab, not fully grasping its destructive power because it feels familiar.
• Children: A mother constantly complains to her child about how lazy and useless their father is. The child internalizes this and learns that disrespecting the father is not only acceptable but sanctioned. The child then begins to speak to the father with the same contemptuous tone their mother uses.

5. An Accumulation of Unresolved Resentment (Bitterness)

The Hurt: A long history of unrepaired hurts and betrayals creates a lens of bitterness through which every action is interpreted. Contempt becomes the default atmosphere of the relationship. This is often the final stage, where small hurts, betrayals, and disappointments have been stacked one on top of the other for years, with no repair or apology. The relationship’s “emotional bank account” is deeply in debt. Bitterness has set in, and now every action is filtered through this negative lens. Contempt is no longer just a reaction to a specific trigger; it has become the default atmosphere of the relationship

Application to Michal’s Life: This is the culmination of all the previous points. Imagine Michal’s mental record of grievances: being used by her father, being abandoned by her husband (even if for his survival), being forced into a second marriage, being violently taken from it, being brought back to a man who now had a concubine, and being expected to accept her new, diminished role. The bitterness would be immense. When she saw David dancing, she wasn’t just seeing an act of worship. She was seeing the man who had triumphed while her family was destroyed; the man whose victory meant she was diminished. His public joy likely felt like a personal insult, a celebration of everything she had lost. Her contempt was not just about a dance; it was the explosion of a decade of accumulated, unresolved resentment.

The Background: The pain is the crushing weight of a thousand past cuts. It’s a deep, ingrained bitterness that has soured every interaction. The person is no longer just hurt by the current event; they are hurt by what the event represents—one more example in a long, painful pattern of neglect and disrespect.

• Spouses: After years of him prioritizing his friends, breaking promises, and forgetting important dates, he plans a surprise romantic dinner. Her immediate thought is not, “How sweet,” but, “What did he do wrong now?” Her outward response is laced with the contempt of years of resentment: “Don’t think one nice dinner erases everything.”
• Children: A parent was emotionally absent or unreliable throughout a child’s youth. Now that the child is an adult, the parent tries to build a relationship. The adult child responds with cold, dismissive contempt, rebuffing every effort because they cannot get past the mountain of past hurts. Every offer of help is seen as “too little, too late.”

 

 

Part 3. How Can We Overcome Contempt?

1. Build a Culture of Fondness and Admiration

This is the direct antidote to contempt. Fondness and admiration are two of the most crucial elements in a rewarding and long-lasting romance… If a couple still has a functioning fondness and admiration system, their marriage is salvageable” .

• What this looks like: Instead of focusing on what is missing or wrong, intentionally focus on what is right. Remind yourself of your partner’s positive qualities. Michal could have chosen to see David’s passion for God, his humility before the Lord, and the joy he was bringing to the nation.
• How to do it: Words like  “I Appreciate…” , where you actively think of and share positive traits and specific incidents you appreciate about your partner.
• We have a journal we use to culture the attitude of gratitude.

2. Turn Toward Each Other Instead of Away

Michal emotionally turned away when she “looked through a window.” The antidote is to turn toward your partner’s bids for emotional connection. David’s ecstatic dance was a “bid”—a call to share in his joy.

• What this looks like: Instead of judging from a distance, and waiting back at home Michal could have gone out to meet him. Even if she didn’t understand his behavior, turning toward him would mean asking with curiosity, not contempt: “I have never seen you so full of joy. Tell me what you are feeling.” This builds the “emotional bank account”
• I am one of the happiest man in marriage because my wife will always be with me in many of my experiences in life. I still remember the sacrifices she has made many days to travel and join me in ministry.

3. Soften Your Startup

A harsh startup dooms a conversation. Had Michal wanted to express her feelings without contempt, she could have used a softened approach.

• What this looks like:
  • Complain, don’t blame: “I felt concerned for your dignity as king when you disrobed.”
  • Use “I” statements: “I felt embarrassed” instead of “You were a vulgar fellow.”
  • Be polite and appreciative: “I know how important this day is, and I love your passion for God, but I have a concern I’d like to share.”

ACTIVITY

How else could Michal have stated her concerns that day in a way that does not communicate contempt and more acceptable.

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